haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
