please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize