so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
