we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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