thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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