does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
