He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize