I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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