my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
