so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is Oprah even human
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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