I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
