those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
