youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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