Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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