I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
