My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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