question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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