I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
