he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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