i think i have two assholes
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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