The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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