Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
