my sisters under your porch take her home
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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