I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
