please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
