Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
no you cant smoke seaweed
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
