the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
