tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
