Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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