It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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