apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize