I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Duck Duck Cougar?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
