I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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