her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
