You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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