Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
