Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
