it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
