Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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