You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
