I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
