My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
