Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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