its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize