I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize