i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Holy sore nipples Batman
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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