He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
