Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
