Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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