Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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