i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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