Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
