Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
