If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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