I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
