Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
