i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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