My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
