We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
