how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
