did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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