Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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