what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
