My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
