I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize