i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
