I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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