Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
