drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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