It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
