Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
