I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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