Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
