hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You ruined the universe
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
