we have officially lost it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
